The Dreaded “N-word”

Mar 29, 2012 - By

It’s going to come up quite a bit in the proceedings, so we might as well get the first one out of the way right now. Just know that I am only using the word within a scientific and sociological context. There is no ill will, harm, malintent, animosity, bitterness, aversion, dislike, hate, malevolence, objection, rancor, resentment, spite, detestation, disgust, or disfavor in my usage of this dreaded word.

You ready?

Here it goes…

NIGGER

There. Knocking that out now is like rubbing one out before a hot date. It cleans the pipes, relaxes, and cuts through the bullshit right down in to the heart of the matter.

Nigger is a word used to cut an entire race down to size for no real reason other than racial dominance and some skewed interpretation of the power and superiority God has bestowed upon a…fairer skinned race.

Nigger has its roots in the Spanish language, so you can send your hate mail to me and I will make sure it ends up in the proper Hispanic hands. It is derived from the word “negro” or “Neg-row” for my phonetic, non-Spanish speaking friends. It quite simply means “black.” Yet, this word that only describes a color has been contorted and raped to mean something much more devious and, frankly, sick. In its early years, the word was just a way to call people what they were, “blanco” was white and “Negro” was black. Then came exploration, soon followed by slavery. After a while the word became a curse. What was once harmless became painful. Like all language, the word evolved, but where most words evolve to mean something that maybe isn’t better, just something along the same lines, “negro” became “nigger” and that was that. Racism was born.

But then something strange happened…the 1970s. Black comedians began to grab hold of this word that was once used to hold them down. They took it upon themselves to reshape it yet again, this time in to something good. With light modification, the once horrible word was softened. That harsh on-the-tongue “er” was dropped, and replaced with a much more airy “a.”  “A few decades pasted and Nigga found its way in to pop culture in the form of hip-hop.  Once hip-hop left the Bronx, it entered the mainstream, dragging Nigga along for the ride to the top of the proverbial charts. Nigga became the new it word.

Nigga can now be found in the mouths of your average overly privileged suburban white kids who see it as nothing more than a word that their favorite musical artists use. Whether this was the intention of those that created it is not for sure. But one thing that is for sure is that it’s alive and well. Of course, there have been many that have tried to stop it from spreading. Some have even staged a mock funeral for the word.

Where many feel this new iteration of an old curse word is just as bad, if not worse, than the original, I feel quite the opposite.

Hi. My name is Luis Prada, and I’m a Nigga…or so I’ve been told.

pb110247 300x225 The Dreaded N word

Am I offended? Fuck no. Should you be offended? You can, but it is no longer logical. Not with Nigga, at least. Nigger can go fuck itself for all I care.

The word Nigga is, in my opinion, the greatest invention of our lifetimes. The brilliance of it is astounding. Here we have this awful, terrible word that meant hatred, and denouncement, and ignorance that was somehow, as if through some kind of alchemy, transformed in to something great.

Do you want to be someone’s Nigger?

Or…

Do you want to be someone’s Nigga?

See the difference? Being someone’s Nigger means you are their property, or should be their property, in their eyes. But, being someone’s Nigga is being their friend, their companion. You are accepted in to an elite group of Niggas when you’re a Nigga.  It’s loving, it’s kind, it’s where you want to be.

Nigga is acceptance, Nigger is dissent.

Having lived nearly my entire life in sunny Miami, Florida, I grew up around the word Nigga. Where some people may actually remember the first time they ever heard the word, for me it’s like asking when I first heard the word “The.” It’s ubiquitous down here, particularly among the young, which is no surprise. Every school I have ever attended had the word Nigga wafting around the halls as if it were a speck of dust kept afloat by the bustling student body. Everyone, Black, White, Asian, whomever, had, and still has, a common understanding that Nigga is great and Nigger is something that you shouldn’t say unless you were a fan of removing shoes from your rectum.

Sadly, there are some misconceptions about the word — specifically, misconceptions about its usage, and who can use it. For example, Wolf Blizter cannot announce from the Situation Room that “The Niggas are broke and unhappy.” That’s just uncool. There is a certain amount of inherent coolness one needs to posses in order to wield the power of the Nigga. Sadly, even I, the man that grew up around the word, am not cool enough to use it in the colloquial sense.

But that’s what Nigga is, a colloquialism bounced around from one young person to another. Nigga is just another form mynigga1 216x300 The Dreaded N wordof man, bro, dude, ese, holmes, brother, brotha, homeboy, vato, dawg, cuzz, homey, jack, and blood. Each one expresses a form of verbal solidarity that subconsciously relaxes its subject and reassures them that they are among friends.  We all pick and choose which ones best fit our personality because we all subconsciously know which ones would make us sound like retards if we said them. Me, I’m a Dude/Man kind of guy. Most of my friends (who are made of mostly Hispanics and Blacks) are Nigga/Bro kind of guys that dabble in the world of the Dude/Man.

Of course, the common misconception with a lot of these words is that just any one can use them. This is not so. Just as I have stated, you need a certain degree of inherent cool to use some of these. Dude/man is pretty much universal; nearly anyone can toss them around all willy-nilly without worrying about being ostracized. Yet, if a middle-aged Caucasian father tires to toss out a few Dudes and Bros around his 14 year old son, he’s going to come off like an asshat that has lost all connection with youthful exuberance.

Nigga is, by far, the trickiest of the bunch. Again, if the middle-aged Caucasian father tries to use Nigga around his son’s sole African-American friend, he’s going to get his ass handed to him on a silver platter with the words “Fuck You, cracka!” bedazzled across it. The word Nigga, and its usage, bring to mind the idea of “The Ghetto Pass.” The Ghetto Pass, as defined by the always trusty Urban Dictionary, is  “when a person defines themselves or proves that they have a history of overcoming adversity, proving their knowledge of the street and has the ability to hold themselves and their image as a person of the ghetto whether [they're] of color or not.” A white high school teacher that jokingly calls a black student a Nigga is in strict violation of the Ghetto Pass bylaws.

A Ghetto Pass is absolutely necessary when considering adding Nigga in to your vocabulary. Think of it like a job evaluation at an office. Someone of higher authority watches you, interviews you, and determines whether you areghetto pass The Dreaded N word responsible enough to use this word. This means that the usage of Nigga must be earned; it is not an outright privilege guaranteed by the Bill of Rights. Of course, there is no such thing as a physical Ghetto Pass. A real Ghetto Pass is more akin to what we humans call “Trust” than it is to a card next to your expired drivers license in your wallet. I have been given a Ghetto Pass from the African-American members of my inner circle. I never use it because I personally do not think I am cool enough to use Nigga. Maybe it’s just low self-esteem. I have attempted to use the word in a social context, much in the same way we take a car for a spin before we slap down a credit card to buy it. But after my few Nigga test drives I realized that it’s just not for me. Not because of its potentially racist connotations, but because it just doesn’t roll off my tongue well. There’s no heart and soul behind my Niggas, but I can dish out Dudes and Mans better than any other jive-ass turkey.

When it comes down to it, all words only have the meaning that you place on them. As George Carlin once said, it’s not the words that cause harm, it is their context. And that, my friends, is the beauty of Nigga. With just a simple letter swap its entire context was radically altered. There are still many people that want this new version of the word — Nigger 2.0 — to go the way of the Dinosaur and Hammer Pants. But I think trying to strike Nigga from our modern vernacular will be doing a grave injustice to us all. Nigger had, for hundreds of years, been used to dehumanize. Now, in just 30 years or so, the word has evolved so drastically that you feel a little shitty if you’re not someone’s Nigga. Putting Nigga on the shit-list of no-no, bad, dirty, foul-mouthed, curse words will be putting the negative connotation back on to the word that has for so long tried to redefine itself. I really can’t think of any other word in the English language that has done that.

And I can guaran-fucking -tee you that Hitler and Nazi will never undergo such a re-appropriation…unless, of course, my Nazi brand sex jelly becomes a hit. Sex sells anything.

Our Proposal For New, Easier To Remember Lyrics For The National Anthem

Feb 05, 2012 - By

american flag1 Our Proposal For New, Easier To Remember Lyrics For The National Anthem

This past Sunday saw the Green Bay Packers come out victorious over the Pittsburg Steelers in Super Bowl 45. But the news that rocked the internet the hardest was of Christina Aguilera’s botched performance of the national anthem during the opening ceremony, as she accidentally sang “What so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last gleaming,” when she should have sang, “O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming.”

While plenty of people are giving Christian shit for forgetting the lyrics and essentially making up her own, I will not. It’s the Super Bowl. She was probably nervous. Besides, that’s, like, a really hard song to sing, guys. There’s all those old timey words in it and junk; and it sounds like it should always be sung by a man with a monocle and a top hat whose name is Wilbur.

With Christina Aguilera’s Super Bowl national anthem failure in mind, I set out to change the lyrics to the national anthem to something a little bit more…let’s say modern. Something that’s easier for all us post-internet age folks to remember.

Continue Reading

Things I Think When I Post Something On Twitter

Feb 01, 2012 - By

twitter bird follow me  Small  bigger Things I Think When I Post Something On Twitter

Twitter is one of those wonderful modern day inventions that I have almost no use for. It’s all well and good for some people, but I don’t feel the near constant need to tell people what I think about things. Some people do, and that’s cool. I’m just not one of them. So to me, Twitter is a little intimidating. What am I going to say that is worthy of those precious 140 characters? Most of the time it’s nothing. The rest of my time spent on Twitter is spent starring at the text entering area and thinking random thoughts on the nature of Twitter and the Twitterverse and Twitter culture, and whatever the hell else old people in the old media world call the Twitter phenomenon.

I took the time recently to stare at my Twitter account for a bit as I attmepted to think of something to tweet. Here are those thoughts — thoughts, by the way, that were never tweeted.

“Yeah, okay, I feel good about that tweet. That’s a good, strong tweet that is both insightful and humorous that my few followers will love. Ah, fuck it. They don’t give a shit about what I think.”

“Damn it, Twitter. If only you allowed for 150 characters then I’d be able to tell people about the monster dump I just took.”

Continue Reading

Five Reasons “The Office” Is The Bleakest Drama On TV

Jan 28, 2012 - By

Do you really want to read about TV? Click here the video to latest headlines and stay ahead of the curve.

“What we have here is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard Dog and crippling despair, loneliness and depression. I intend to win.” – Actual dialogue

“The Office” is acclaimed for being one of the funniest shows on television.  But, as repeated watchings have emphasized to me, it isn’t.  If anything, it’s a drama, a bleak, dark drama full of foreshadowing and terror.  Here are five reasons “The Office” is actually so dark it makes Goths want to kill themselves:

Continue Reading

Dripping With Sadness: Which Fatty Meals Will Make Me Depressed?

Jan 27, 2012 - By

373493305 806ef5290b Dripping With Sadness: Which Fatty Meals Will Make Me Depressed?

A newly released study coming out of Spain claims that consuming high amounts of fatty foods can lead to depression. The authors of the study spent six years analyzing the diets and life styles of 12,000 volunteers who had all been diagnosed as not suffering any signs of depression. By the end of the six years researchers discovered that all of the subjects with high trans-fat diets “presented up to a 48 percent increase in the risk of depression when they were compared to participants who did not consume these fats.” Out of the original 12,000, 657 were now officially diagnosed with clinical depression.

Hearing this got me to thinking: how would my mental outlook on life be affected after I consumed some high fat fast foods? I’m normally a pretty well-adjusted, happy guy. I’ll I start to feel a little down after consuming some overly greasy and fatty foods?  With that in mind I was off to my local purveyors of fatty food to find an answer to that question.

Continue Reading

Fan Made Ninja Turtle Short Film…and other awesome stuff from around the web

Jan 24, 2012 - By

17 Images That Will Ruin Your Childhood (Cracked)

Mark Sanchez Wipes A Booger On Teammate (Super Booya)

He Said / She Said: Sex…During Her Period (COED Magazine)

How to Love Yourself Like a Man: A Ladies Guide (Holy Taco)

5 Secrets For Having a Friend With Benefits (Modern Man)

The Worst Movies Of All Time (Ranker)

Only the best keytarist in the world (Dave and Thomas)

Toast the AFC Championship with Savoy’s Pittsburgh Fever Punch (The Bachelor Guy)

Is This The Worst Week Ever For Gangsters? (UpRoxx)

Shake Weight At The Gym (Next Round)

Etiquette For Australians Who Want To Be Posh (DJ Mick)

Sex in Public for Dummies (The Smoking Jacket)

Solar Powered Sex Toy For Patient Horny Hippies

Jan 24, 2012 - By

solar powered vibrator 29690 1295882387 6 Solar Powered Sex Toy For Patient Horny Hippies

If I were to present you the Solar Bullet, the solar powered viberator, in the form of a late night talk show monologue joke, I would say: “Hey, listen to this: a sexy toy company is releasing an new viberator with solar panels that is powered by the rays of the sun. Yeah…the creators of the viberator say it’s for that special, snobby girl that thinks the sun shines out of her ass.”

But I’m not a late night talk show host, so, instead, I’ll talk about this thing at great length; much longer than it needs to be discussed.

Continue Reading

5 Movie Plans That Weren’t Such a Great Idea

Jan 24, 2012 - By

Movieheader DD 2 23 2011 5 Movie Plans That Werent Such a Great Idea

Movies are awesome; I don’t care if it’s deep and many-layered like Inception, or completely retarded (like the Star Wars prequels) I love movies. As a result, I spend way, way (way) too much time thinking about them.

This has the unfortunate side effect of ruining some of my favorite movies for me, which is the case with most of this list. Often times in movies, in order to get themselves out of precarious situations, characters will concoct crazy plans to save the day and defeat the villains.  Sometimes the plan may not be the best plan, but it’s the only option the characters have left. Other times, though, the plan is something only the screenwriters think is a good idea, while the rest of us are left to wonder if that bus load of children really needed to explode in order to stop the bad guy from killing the hero’s one true love. The plan may create some great onscreen action, but it’s also the cause of some audience head scratching, as such concepts as logic, sanity, and overall intelligence seem to be thrown away.

This happens in all types of movies, but let’s start with some aliens, shall we?

Continue Reading

4 Alternative Uses For Starbucks’ New Trenta-Sized Cup

Jan 19, 2012 - By

Starbucks Trenta 4 Alternative Uses For Starbucks’ New Trenta Sized Cup

Coffee makes my heart want to explode. I still drink it, but in small, controlled doses that give my heart ample time to defuse each tiny bomb of caffeine that graces its presence before the next bomb arrives. This problem is magnified when I drink a Starbucks coffee. I will occasionally feel like I want to be a part of the Starbucks-drinking clan of cool people, so I’ll grab myself a Pike’s Place roast, or whatever it is they call a normal cup of coffee that doesn’t have all that superfluous shit in it. Half was through a Tall-sized cup I feel as though my body is vibrating at a different frequency than the rest of the world. It’s like my spirit is trying to shake its way out of my pours. My hands begin to tremble at a rate that can shake down a bridge. It’s terrible.

But damn do I love coffee.

But not enough to drink 30 fluid ounces of it in one sitting. Mostly because I’m perfectly fine with the current rhythm of my heart beat, and also because I don’t like it when my body has given up and wants me to fall asleep but the caffeine coursing through my veins is telling me to chase feral beasts on foot with a spear.

So, needless to say, I may never order Starbucks’ new and patently absurd cup size, Trenta. Although, I am a big fan of the cup. Thirty ounces of anything is a lot of liquid to expect someone to drink. Hell, the human stomach only holds 30.4 ounces. That’s a lot of cup to have around once you’ve finished your Joe. What could you do with something like that?

Continue Reading